You rehearse phone calls before you make them. You study how other people laugh, then laugh at the same moments. You hold eye contact even when it feels like staring into the sun, sit still when your body is begging to move, and say "I'm fine!" in the brightest voice you have. Then you get home, close the door, and have nothing left.
If that sounds familiar, you may know masking from the inside, even if you've never had a name for it. Many autistic and ADHD adults, especially those diagnosed late or not at all, have been masking so long that it just feels like who they are. Understanding it can help.
What masking is
Masking (researchers often call it camouflaging) means hiding or covering up neurodivergent traits so you fit in, avoid judgment, or stay safe. In one study, researchers asked 92 autistic adults about their experiences. People described two sides to camouflaging: masking, which hides what comes naturally, and compensation, which uses deliberate strategies to get through social situations.
In everyday life, that can look like:
Copying other people's facial expressions, tone, or phrases
Preparing scripts for conversations, small talk, or appointments
Holding back stims, fidgeting, or movement that helps you regulate
Pushing through noise, lights, crowds, or clothing that feels unbearable
Hiding how much effort it takes to stay organized, on time, or on task
Masking isn't lying or a character flaw. It's usually a survival skill you learned early, for good reasons.
Why so many of us learned to mask
People in that same study said they camouflaged to fit in and to connect with others. In a world that wasn't set up to accommodate you, standing out can bring teasing, punishment, or rejection. So you adapt.
Expectations matter too. Many of us were raised to be polite, helpful, and low-maintenance, and to keep our struggles to ourselves. In a lot of Latina, BIPOC, and immigrant families, no hacer un show and making the family look good were the rules. For women and girls especially, being agreeable and "easy" often got praised. Those lessons can make masking feel like the only option.
Masking can also be part of why people are diagnosed late or missed altogether. Researchers have suggested camouflaging as one reason autistic women in particular are so often overlooked. When you've worked hard to look "fine," other people, including doctors and therapists, may not see what's going on underneath.
What masking costs
Masking can help you get through school, keep a job, and stay connected. It also takes a lot of energy, often without a break.
The autistic adults in the camouflaging study described exhaustion and threats to how they saw themselves. Some said that after years of masking, they weren't sure who they really were anymore. In a separate study where autistic adults described burnout in their own words, masking was by far the most prominent life stressor people named as building up toward burnout.
Over time, the costs can look like:
Feeling drained after social time, even with people you love
Needing a long time alone to recover after work or family events
Depression or a flat, empty feeling that never fully lifts
Not knowing what you actually like, want, or need
Burnout, where everyday tasks that used to be doable suddenly aren't
If you've been treated for anxiety or depression without much change, masking may be part of the missing picture. We wrote more about that in Therapy Didn't Work Before? and Autistic Burnout or Depression?
What unmasking can look like
Unmasking doesn't mean dropping every strategy overnight or announcing it to everyone you know. Masking sometimes keeps you safe, and you get to decide where, when, and with whom you let it down. For many people, unmasking is slow and gentle, and it starts small:
Noticing. When are you masking the most? Who are you with? How do you feel afterward?
Finding safe spaces. One person, one room, or one hour a day where you don't have to perform.
Meeting your sensory needs. Headphones, softer lighting, comfortable clothes, or letting yourself stim and move.
Saying what you need in small ways: "Can we text instead of call?" "I need a few minutes."
Getting to know yourself again. What do you enjoy when no one's watching?
Grieving. Many people feel relief, and also sadness or anger about the years spent hiding. Both make sense.
In the burnout study, autistic adults named acceptance, support, time off or lower expectations, and doing things in a more autistic way, including unmasking, as part of what helped them recover.
How therapy can help
At Taíno Counseling, we specialize in working with late-diagnosed adults and those who self-realized later in life. We believe differences do not equal deficit, and therapy shouldn't be one more place you have to mask. Together, we can:
Make sense of your story, including where masking started and what it protected you from
Explore unmasking at your own pace, in a way that feels safe for your life, work, and relationships
Ease the anxiety, depression, and burnout that often come with years of masking
Get curious about the "parts" of you that learned to perform. IFS therapy can be a gentle way to do that.
Heal the hurts that taught you to hide. For some people, EMDR therapy can be part of that.
You don't need a diagnosis to start. If you're curious about a formal assessment, bring it up during your free consultation and we'll talk through options with you.
Learn more on our ASD & ADHD Therapy and Depression Therapy pages, or meet our therapists.
You don't have to perform here
We offer therapy online across Utah and Florida, and in person at our office in Salt Lake City. We have no waitlist, and ofrecemos terapia en español. Questions about cost or out-of-network benefits? Our FAQs can help.
If you've spent years being who everyone else needed you to be, reaching out takes courage. You don't have to piece it together on your own. We'd be honored to stand alongside you.
This post is for general information only and isn't a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. If you're in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911.
